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When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends | 
| Author: Victoria Secunda
Publisher: Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group
Category: Book
Buy New: £10.99
New (13) Used (7) from £6.43
Rating:  8 reviews
Sales Rank: 104094
Media: Paperback
Edition: Reprint
Pages: 432
Number Of Items: 1
Shipping Weight (lbs): 1.1
Dimensions (in): 9.2 x 6.1 x 1
ISBN: 0385304234
Dewey Decimal Number: 306.8743
EAN: 9780385304238
ASIN: 0385304234
Publication Date: 1990
Shipping: Eligible for Super Saver Shipping
Availability: Usually dispatched within 24 hours
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| Customer Reviews: Read 3 more reviews...
Made me feel less of a freak. May 4, 2008
Acquafortis (Italy)
1 out of 1 found this review helpful
I would recommend this book to anyone who has ever had problems with their mother or simply need to understand mother-daughter dynamics. This interplay does not only effect the direct protagonists but it also has a profound effect on our choice of friends, partners and work. Understanding this relationship means starting the road to real maturity.
I myself being a person who is in therapy because of a dominating mother, found this book helpful. Reading about other women having problems with their own mother helped me feel less lonely and less of a freak.
The book is divided in various sections amongst which the various types of dysfunctional mothers and the different types of dysfunctional daughter. One the result of the other in a series of cause and effect transmitted down through generations.
Reading it helped me understand more of what my therapists says and proud of having started a journey in not only discovering myself but also maybe of one day being able to accept my mother for who she is....a person with all its pros and cons, daughter and product of her generation and those of her forebears.
 Very sound advice. February 26, 2008
B.
14 out of 14 found this review helpful
I bought this for obvious reasons. Being estranged from you mother can be a very lonely, isolating thing. After all, how many people do you know who aren't close to their mother? Not in a "grrr, she drives me crazy... let the answering machine pick up & I'll deal with her later" kind of way, but in a "I haven't spoken to my mother in years and it's better that way" way?
Personally I don't know of anyone other than, well, me. And in that sense this book is a tremendous help. Reading the first-hand account of others in the same boat made me feel far less isolated and alone.
There were also profiles offered of the types of women who've fallen out with their mothers and then moved on (i.e. are you an overachiever? a troublemaker? a defector?). This part had me scoffing: "I'm not that easily pinned down," I huffed. Then I got to the chapter on defectors and my jaw hit the floor. I suppose if that's not a tribute to this book I don't know what is.
And while some fences can never be mended, the overall tone is a good one: reminding us that no mother ever starts out wanting to hurt her child. That maybe my mother was a victim of her circumstances as much as I've been a victim of mine, or you've been a victim of yours.
Forgiveness may not be an option, but acceptance & understanding should always be something to strive for.
A very informative Best Friend! July 27, 2007
K. Harvey (Dorset UK)
7 out of 7 found this review helpful
If you have been sending SOS signals to all your friends and family about your relationship with your mother then this is the book for you! Whether it is just an irritation or a completely Life-ruining distress, this book is an easy-to-read but very informative Best Friend!
No-one is trained to be a mother and so many women wind up with an emotional responsibility that they are simply not able to deal with and don't know why. Many are still overwhelmed with unfinished business from their own childhoods. This book does not make excuses for bad mothers but nor does it condemn, it really helps to find solutions. Even for those of us for whom there are no solutions, understanding helps to come to terms with it.
You may feel as I did at first that the book seems too simplistic in its approach but don't be deceived! As I persisted I found that I was wrong. It is extremely profound and exacting and Victoria Secunda has drawn on the expertise and experience of a number of brilliant specialists in their fields. Honestly, I think that this is one of the truly great, ground-breaking, self-help books, right up there with "Toxic Parents" by Dr Susan Forward and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Dr Robin Norwood. It is not only fascinating in its own right as a good read but could dispel those endless, sleepless, weepy nights and save you a fortune in counsellors!
"When you and your mother can't be friends." Victoria Secunda June 19, 2007
Berenice Hickey (Singapore)
14 out of 14 found this review helpful
After speaking with my mother on the phone, I was left feeling attacked, defeated, belittled, challenged and totally confused again! These feeling were familiar and predictable. I had ordered this book months ago. When it had arrived I had put it in a drawer and left it, part of my denial of the situation and subconscious willingness to continue this destructive pattern as to me it felt "normal".
This time I felt too sick and tired to go on, so I found the book and read it. What a huge relief to find I was not crazy after all! As a result I have gone on to read many more books on destructive relationship patterns in the family, and only wish that I had done so years ago. It would have saved me a lot of suffering and heartache. This book was my initial liberator. I now feel so much more peaceful and free of worry and upset that I am a different person for having been given the tools to face the truth.
Every Child Should Have A Copy! October 25, 2002
64 out of 64 found this review helpful
This book is quite simply life-changing. Forget weighty psycholgy tomes with their dry identification of signs and symptoms of labelled personality "disorders" of parents and children, read this and find out how these wretched behaviour patterns were set up in the first place. Incredibly illuminating, compassionate and sensible, this is a must for any daughter who feels misunderstood, embittered, angered, or simply saddened by their relationship with their mother. Or their father, for that matter. Very, very helpful stuff.
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